Sunday, 2 December 2012

The rest of the afghan struggles.

So I got to Christmas Day and I fought tears all day. Put a brave face on for my little one ( lo) and my family. I went home from my cousins early and put lo to bed and cried for hrs. My husbands dad step mum n sister came n I cried with them too. It was awful. I hated every minute but I got through it.

On the 4th of January I went back to Ireland on my own with lo. I got home n was ok. Two of my friends picked up us from the airport n watched lo why I went in the house because I didn't wanna cry infront of him. He was only 3 and a half months old at this point. I went in the house n I was ok n dwnstairs. I went upstairs and cried my eyes out cuddling diesel (our dog). I pulled myself together got the lo and sorted everything out.

I started to crochet to pass the time. I made a blanket for the lo. I tried everything to keep myself up beat but it was gettin harder. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I wasn't gettin dressed most days. I was struggling badly but to everyone else outside I was fine. I always had my make up on n hair done like normal. I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't ok. Nt even my husband.

In my head I wasn't coping and I was a bad mum. My lo deserved better than me. My PND was horrific and still no one knew. By February when my mum came over she could she I wasn't sleeping n sent me to bed one day because I couldn't keep my eyes open. But to my mum I was doin amazingly.

About three days after she went home I had a massive meltdown to two of my friends and they realised I wasn't copin and needed some help and told me to see welfare so I did.

The next mornin with no makeup on hair dragged back lookin like death I walk into the welfare officers office and burst into tears. I told how I felt n she organised me to see the doctor n told me she would start the ball rolling to get my husband home.

The day after I had been to the doctors and had some sleep. I spoke to my husband and he didn't want to come home because he would loose his tour bonus n felt like the suffering would have been for nothing n u understood also he said he would ring me more which made me feel better. So I rang welfare n told them to leave him in afghan and they did.

Over the nxt 5 weeks I got myself better. I stopped takin the antidepressants and had a few dwn days but was feeling a lot better and excited for him coming home.

I bought new clothes had my hair and nails done and was feeling like me again :)

He got home on the 3rd if April 2012 at 1215. The relief and happiness was amazing. But the man tht was infront of me wasn't the man tht had left me on the 22nd of December.

Our struggle wasn't over. Far from it.

Hope your enjoying my blog. Hope ur well.

The royal engineer's wife xxxx

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