Thursday, 20 December 2012

So it is bad news

So we have been to see the consultant. He definitely thinks it's Pettit mal epilepsy. It's not harmful but it can slow the LO's development down. The consultant is sending the LO for an EEG. Then we have to decide if we treat it or not.

After tht I don't know if I feel relieved or more worried. I am glad I know what it is but worried that it will effect his Development. I just want to cuddle him and not let go.

The Royal Engineer's Wife xx

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

My Little Man and Gorgeous Husband.

So after days of me and my husband falling out, I realised why. We are both knackered, the little man keeps getting up in the middle of the night and talking or crying. He does it 3 or 4 times a night and we both must wake up. We leave him if he is just talking away because he will go back to sleep by his self and if he is crying we leave him a few minutes because most the time he finds his dummy and puts it back in and falls back to sleep. Last night however between us I think we got up 4 times to sort him. I wish he would just sleep. I don't understand why he isn't sleeping, he used to be sooo good at sleeping. 

So, plan for today to get the LO worn out we are going to take the dog for a walk and walk the LO to on his rains. We can go to the park as well. only problem is mummy and daddy are exhausted. I have no energy, I haven't even got dressed yet. 

I hope my OH gets up soon so I can get ready or I wont be going anywhere but to sleep when he gets down. We have loads to do as well, we need to drop something of with the padre, go to the post office, walk the dog and I am sure there is something else!

It's a week till Christmas, a week till we hopefully have that perfect day that we haven't managed to have yet whilst we have been together. I just want us all together that's all that matters more than anything, more than the presents or the feast or what we will watch on the TV. 

I have a lot to be thankful for this year, my husband came home from Afghan safe and sound, we are in a better place as a couple than were we were, my little man is growing up into a very clever happy and perfect little boy, I am getting on better with my Mother in Law now than I ever have. I have an amazing family around me that would do anything for us. I am grateful for all those things more than anyone will know. 

My hopes for 2013 are that I finally sort my head out once and for all, that I learn to drive and that we get pregnant. Yes, despite have PND after my little man and all the problems it has caused I hope that next year I get pregnant and we have our 2nd and last baby. I know that might sound crazy to you but it's the final piece to our family :)

Just incase I don't blog again till after, Merry Christmas!!! Hope you have a wonderful day.

The Royal Engineer's Wife xx

Saturday, 15 December 2012

One of those days!

Today has been one of those days. I got up and came down to the living room loving like a bomb went off and the kitchen still not being sorted! The kitchen still hasnt been touched. So I fed the dog because he forgot to and went back upstairs to bed. I was not going to clean uo the mess that had happened why he was giving the LO breakfast! Yes that right all he had done is give him breakfast. He hadnt got him changed out of his pj's , fed the dog, sorted the mess or even read to the LO before he put him down for a nap. He had put him down waaayyy too early fr his nap as well. All that and I had only just got out of bed.

Then I got up after getting the LO out of bed and tallkig to my mum on the phone with the baby I got dresed and came down with him. He had tidied the living room and hoovered. I got the LO's lothes and asked him to get him dressed and you would of thought I had asked him to eat his poop or something the look I got. Now all week I have been telling him I wanted to take the dog out today with other people that meet up on camp and walk there dogs, he knew it was at 1.30 but yet he still decided at 12.45 he had to go to the shop to get food. So he also made us late for that.

We had a lovely walk, the dog really enjoyed it. She was very well behaved which was a massive shock but I am pleased because it means we can do it again :)

However, on the way there he decided to try and tell me how I should make my back better! He will never tell me to just do some exercise ever again! Doing exercise doesnt help it makes it worse. It makes the muscles in my back spasm more especially if I carry anything heavy as well. That is the one thing that bugs me more than anything, he doesnt have any clue how much pain I am in or what causes it, I wouldnt tell him how to pack his kit so he shouldnt tell me what will make it better.

So we came back and wathed harry potter, well I watched it he fell asleep. I put tea on he whinged he was hungry when he woke up and told e to turn it up. Then he tells me he is doing his weights tonight. I know this doesnt sound like a big deal but the deal was on a weekend he wouldnt do them because its family time and our time. I just feel like he does everything he can to avoid spending time with me. So as u can imagine Im nt impressed with that either. Every night he bathes the LO and puts him to bed. Its always been his thing, thaw fine but what I dont get is when I bath the LO he never ever cries, everytime he bathes him he cries. The LO cried before when he was giving him tea, I dnt get how he makes him cry some much he isnt a crying kid he is really good.

I am really at braking point and its only day one of leave! GREAT!

Married unaccompanied or divorce here we come!

The Royal Engineer's Wife x

Friday, 14 December 2012

He's home

First night of my OH being home and I have woken up exhausted. How? I don't understand how I can have 5 hrs sleep n feel great. I have 8 hrs n feel utterly crap. I am finding it hard to keep my eyes open.

We got an appointment for my little one to see the specialist, it's next Thursday. Me n my OH don't drive so I now have to find a lift. SSAFA have to me that the med centre usually do it but getting hold of the med centre is easier said than done. I will just have to keep tryin.

My OH finishes work today for a month for Christmas. He doesn't usually got that long but he has enough days left he can take them because they need using. So hopefully it will be a lovely relaxing month. But we will see.

The Royal Engineer's Wife xx

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Today and this year x

I had a decent sleep last night once I got in bed. But that could be down to one if two things. One the painkillers or two listening the hypnotherapy app on my phone. Either way I was grateful.

I have only really done most the dishes n some washing today. Also, I have tidied up at the back of myself, which I wish my husband would do because it would make my life soooo much easier. But I would get more attention from telling the wall. Oh well! Just have to finish the dishes tidy the table Hoover a d sort the spare room before he gets home tomorrow.

I think I have coped better why he has been away. I think that's because I have avoided goin out. I know that might seem silly but I couldn't deal with the anxiety of leaving the house because I feel so vulnerable on my own ATM. But today I have been stressed and I didn't know why earlier. Now I think I know, it's gettin closer to the time my OH went to afghan last year. The shock and stress was horrific. I think I am worried it could happen again. Even though I know he isn't goin anywhere because I spoke to padre here and he sorted it so that they won't send rob anywhere till I am ok.

I really want this Christmas to be perfect. This will be our 3rd Christmas together n the 1st two were horrible. I just want till one to be amazing, we hopefully will be in our home as a family me my lo my oh my mum dad and brother. I just want us all together and happy. I am just hoping that next year has a lot less stress than year.

Can't wait to see my man tomorrow.

The Royal Engineer's Wife x

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

No sleep in pain! Woohoo x

Last night I only went to sleep at 4.30am. I only had 5 hrs sleep and I have done loads today and I'm still nt tired now! This is beginning to get frustrating! I want to be tired and sleep.

I have moved things. Tidied up. I crocheted last night and got further with the massive blanket I am trying to make. Only downside to gettin my house back to normal I am now on pain and even the strong meds aren't helping! Great just what I need. Just need to do the dishes n clean the kitchen. Tidy a few bits downstairs. Then there's my room to sort. Then tidy the spare room. Then I am done. All tht as well as sort the little one and I am in agony.

Oh and I probably won't sleep much again tonight!

The Royal Engineer's Wife x

Monday, 10 December 2012

My husbands gone x

He has gone. He has only gone to kinloss till Thursday ,so it's nt long, but it's my first time in this house on my own. I am feeling very anxious. I have locked all the doors and shut all the curtains. I am such a wimp when it comes to stuff like that. You would think after all the time I have spent on my own I would be fine.

As a result of my OH being away I won't sleep properly. So I am wondering what I will end up doing tonight to pass the time. I usually clean tidy or crochet. So it will probably one of them. I have found some painkillers so I can do anything :) I just hope that my LO sleeps ok.

Will let you all know how we are getting on.

The Royal Engineer's Wife xx

Saturday, 8 December 2012

And insomnia strikes again

I got into bed tired. Head hit the pillow and I am wide awake. How? Why? This is the most frustrating thing ever! My husband and lo are fast asleep and I am laying here wondering how long it will take me to sleep tonight.

Usually the thing that keeps me up is worrying I will have nightmares but the last week I haven't woke up crying so I haven't had any really bad nightmares. I have had strange dreams and the odd bad night but nothing that has stopped me falling back to sleep. So I have no idea why tonight I can't sleep.

I watched Forrest Gump before bed so nothing scary. I was crocheting which usually helps me sleep. Maybe it because my back is hurting again.

I have a problem with the muscles in my back were they spasm and ache constantly. I am used to the day to day pAin. But when it starts getting worse I can't get comfy and it causes me tension head aches which is like a migraine but with out the flashing bits. I try not to take painkillers until I can't cope or I would live off co-codamol which isn't good. Especially as I can't seem to find my stronger ones for wen it's horrendous and co-codamol doesn't touch it.

I am really hoping I get comfy soon and get some sleep.

The Royal Engineer's Wife x

So much for sorting the house

So I have spent all day in my onesy again. Yes I know lazy! But it hasn't really been a lazy day. I have tired to tidy up and clean up a bit. But with a whinging husband and a child that doesn't want to nap. 

However, right now everyone in the house, including the dog, is asleep but me. It's only taken 3 attempts to get my LO to nap today! Yes I'm being sarcastic. My husband put him back in bed at 9.30am there was no way that was going to happen but I said nothing as it was my lay in so I didn't care if he had to get up again. He got him up at 10.30 and put him back down an hr after. Never goin to happen. He left him there it got to 2pm and I got him up because he needed to eat and was sick of my husband ignoring him. I got him up gave him dinner and let him play and put him back down at 4pm and guess what he fell straight to sleep! I love my husband and he is a great dad but at times he aggravates me when it comes to the LO.

He had the cheek to tell me I just put my LO to bed when I feel crap. He is very wrong. I stick to my routine I make sure that he get to play and I may not play with him like usual but I do not just put him to bed! He annoys me that when he can't be bothered he just shoves him in his high hair and gets on with what he wants. This is why he thinks being a stay at home mum is easy! If I did that my little one wouldn't be as developed as he is.

Anyways, enough ranting about my husband, I am worried about the LO's weight. He seems to be getting thinner. He has never been a chunky baby, so him loosing any weight is worrying. He isn't eating any less, it seems to be since he started with these funny turns. I don't know what to do. 

I will just have to keep feeding him. I cant wait for tomorrow so we can sort the house and take the LO to the park :) 

The Royal Engineer's Wife xx

Friday, 7 December 2012

lack of appetite and sticky handprints

I would love to know why I have no appetite at all. I haven't eaten this morning at all. Lately, I am forcing myself to eat. Don't get me wrong loosing a stone in 6 weeks is great but not very healthy. I am not a skinny minnie at all but I don't want to be either. But I wouldn't mind loosing some weight. I suppose I shouldn't moan about loosing weight should I?

My LO is getting back to normal sleeping patterns. He is currently napping woohoow. This makes me one very happy mummy. Yes I know its very sad. But every other mummy out there will understand the greatness of your routine getting back to normal.

I was reading another blog today by an RAF wife who's husband is out in the Falklands. She talked about how much she was hating the waiting. I really feel for her. I remember spending every day waiting for the next phone call when my other half (oh) was away and the overwhelming feeling of disappointment when I got into bed and he hadn't called. I knew he would call when he could but it didn't make those nights any better.

All the Ladies and Men out there who's partners aren't here I really feel for you. 

Considering it only midday I have had an eventful morning. My LO has decided to pinch candy canes of my tree. So I gave him one and e put his lovely little hand prints all over my walls. The leak in the utility room is fixed, thankfully things just needed tightening. I have feed washed and clothed the lo. he has had a tantrum and is now napping as he was exhausted. So now I am watching Christmas films cuddled up with Diesel again :) she is great to cuddle.

Hoping the rest of the day is as relaxed as this.

The Royal Engineer's Wife xx

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Ill but positive

Today I have spent most of it in bed. I woke up feeling awful. My husband was off work so when he got up I went back to bed.

All this stress is making me run down. I hate being ill. I am just soooo glad I had him here today. I don't have many times that he is here when I am ill. It's so nice to be able to rest when I feel rubbish.

He has been great with our son. He took some gorgeous photos in the bath of our son tryin to brush his teeth. I have heard them laughin and playin all day and been very jealous. The lo keeps sayin nana n then mumbling. I have no idea what he is sayin but whatever it is he really means it.

I think tomorrow we are goin to have a pj day and watch Christmas films because our leak in the utility room is bein fixed so we have to stay in. Might as well relax and enjoy it.

The Royal Engineer's Wife x

Wednesday, 5 December 2012


Why is it that money and peoples health cause sooo much stress??? 

My husbands just been to the bank and we don't have a lot of money left for the month! Great just what I need.I hate this. He has spent 85pounds on protein and creatine! I mean ffs its pathetic all because he wants to get bigger. GROW UP. If I spent 85 punds on shoes he would go mental but because its for him to get bigger I should be ok with it. Well im not, not even a little bit. 

So lack of money isn't great especially when we are supposed to be having Christmas at our house this year. Its a good job I have done all the Christmas shopping and all we need is food for Christmas day. Plus he is on his mess do at the dog races spending more money!Great. Lets hope he wins something. So my solution has been a budget and if he doesn't like it he can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

So my other stress is my son's health. He keeps having funny turns. They took him in an ambulance 2 sundays ago because of it. That was the first time it happened and the hospital told me he had fainted. WRONG because he has had more and they are getting more frequent. My husband's mum has epilepsy. So i took him the doctors today and they have referred him to a pedestrian. There is a chance he could have Petit Mal, which is a little fit. So on top of my normal anxiety that I have at the minute I now have the worry that my son is having fits and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel utterly useless! I feel like crying. But on the upside my mum has said my nan is a bit better today. 

So with all this my anxiety is through the roof. I feel utterly crap and I would just love one easy day please. My husband goes away from monday to thursday next week as well which means more anxiety stress and no sleep! woohoow. Anyone want to swap????

Usually I find try to find a positive in everyday, mine today is a had a brew with another engineers wife (we are a rare breed here) which was nice. I hope that I have more positives before I go to bed, probably not though. So I think I will write today off as a bad one and start again tomorrow and see how it goes. 

The Royal Engineer's Wife x

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Diesel the dog

When I am down I always have cuddles with my dog. She is huge a d loves cuddles. After finding out my nan isn't well and that she might end up in hospital I definitely need cuddles with her.

The royal engineers wife xx

This is my stress today

My lo is 15 months old now. We have been at my mums for a few days n he doesn't really nap when we are there.

So yesterday he napped from 2-5 and he only woke up then because we woke him. So today I am tryin to get him back to normal nap time of 11-2. But my little man has other ideas. He is screaming in his cot. This makes one very stressed mummy.

I hate hearing him cry. I hate that I know for the best I have to leave him crying. Everything in my body tells me to go and get him. The joys of bein a mummy.

I am waiting on my letter for counselling everytime the postman comes I am on edge. I am scared of talking about it all. Dragging everything back up and coming home and nt feeling good enough anymore. I don't want to go back to that horrible place in my head again. It's soul destroying. Literally.

So this is the day to day stuff for me.

The royal engineers wife x

Monday, 3 December 2012

Where we are now

After all the excitement n relief after the first few days I realised my husband wasn't himself. He was angry n stroppy which wasn't like him. He was stressed and snappy.

Before he went away he was the most relaxed laid back person you could meet. Now he was loosing his temper with silly thing and we were arguing all the time. I was beginning to struggle with my feelings again. One afternoon he was fixing the sofa bed and he lost it and through all the tools all over the dinning room. It scared me to see him like that. It was so out of character. So the day after I went to welfare to see what we could do. We ended up having couples counselling. It helped even though the were spread out because he kept gettin sent away on courses.

We just finished counselling and it was time for us to move to our new posting. We had no house because the housing woman had messed up. We had to stay in a hotel. It was awful. Eventually the Friday before rob started work we got a house.

We started arguing again. Worse than ever. But we got through it after a few weeks we was back to normal getting on with things.

We got the news he might go to Dubai for this Christmas and it set me off again. I went to the doctors and I am waitin on counselling to help me deal with my nightmares and PND. My husband isn't goin to Dubai as I have spoke to the welfare here so that he doesn't go way I am having counselling because I need him here.

So that's the short of were I am up to today. My little man is 15 months and amazing. I know I am a good mum and I love my little man n husband more than anything :)

I will start blogging about my day to day stuff now you know a little about me.

Hope your well

The royal engineer's wife. X

Sunday, 2 December 2012

My distraction

The blankets I made why my husband was away x

The rest of the afghan struggles.

So I got to Christmas Day and I fought tears all day. Put a brave face on for my little one ( lo) and my family. I went home from my cousins early and put lo to bed and cried for hrs. My husbands dad step mum n sister came n I cried with them too. It was awful. I hated every minute but I got through it.

On the 4th of January I went back to Ireland on my own with lo. I got home n was ok. Two of my friends picked up us from the airport n watched lo why I went in the house because I didn't wanna cry infront of him. He was only 3 and a half months old at this point. I went in the house n I was ok n dwnstairs. I went upstairs and cried my eyes out cuddling diesel (our dog). I pulled myself together got the lo and sorted everything out.

I started to crochet to pass the time. I made a blanket for the lo. I tried everything to keep myself up beat but it was gettin harder. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I wasn't gettin dressed most days. I was struggling badly but to everyone else outside I was fine. I always had my make up on n hair done like normal. I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't ok. Nt even my husband.

In my head I wasn't coping and I was a bad mum. My lo deserved better than me. My PND was horrific and still no one knew. By February when my mum came over she could she I wasn't sleeping n sent me to bed one day because I couldn't keep my eyes open. But to my mum I was doin amazingly.

About three days after she went home I had a massive meltdown to two of my friends and they realised I wasn't copin and needed some help and told me to see welfare so I did.

The next mornin with no makeup on hair dragged back lookin like death I walk into the welfare officers office and burst into tears. I told how I felt n she organised me to see the doctor n told me she would start the ball rolling to get my husband home.

The day after I had been to the doctors and had some sleep. I spoke to my husband and he didn't want to come home because he would loose his tour bonus n felt like the suffering would have been for nothing n u understood also he said he would ring me more which made me feel better. So I rang welfare n told them to leave him in afghan and they did.

Over the nxt 5 weeks I got myself better. I stopped takin the antidepressants and had a few dwn days but was feeling a lot better and excited for him coming home.

I bought new clothes had my hair and nails done and was feeling like me again :)

He got home on the 3rd if April 2012 at 1215. The relief and happiness was amazing. But the man tht was infront of me wasn't the man tht had left me on the 22nd of December.

Our struggle wasn't over. Far from it.

Hope your enjoying my blog. Hope ur well.

The royal engineer's wife xxxx

Where do I start?

Hiya I am the royal engineers wife

I am 22 I have a beautiful little boy and am amazing husband. I have survived one tour of afghan when I had Post natal depression. I suppose there things to brag about.

But there just the basics of who I am now and where I have come from.

Before I met my husband again (I say again because we went to school together) I was at uni study to do a law degree that I was hating. I had been through a tough 2 yrs dealing with depression, being abused by an ex boyfriend.

Then I met my husband. I was depression free and enjoying being me. He turned my world upside down for all the right reasons. Within 10 months we were married and pregnant. It was love, the real thing! The type that last forever. If it wasn't we wouldn't have got through the last nearly 3 yrs.

We got married in February 11 and we moved to Northern Ireland. It was strange being so far away from my parents and brother who had gotten me through the hard times. Also my friends that had picked me up and put a drink in my hand done my hair and make up n dragged me out to cheer me up! But I got on with it. I was pregnant and my husband was away most of the time. It was hard.

Then, I had to have examinations and I had to tell loads of doctors what had happened to me. This was what started my PND. I had my little bundle of joy and within two weeks I knew. It was happening again. The nightmares, the horrible feeling of not being enough for my little boy.

I went to the doctors and she gave me antidepressants and made me come back every week to check on me. I was doin well. My husband was ment to go to afghan 2 days after my boy was born but they didn't send him. They sent him instead 2 days before Christmas last year! It's wasn't great! But hey ho I had to get on with it and at first I did..

I will leave it there it's enough for anyone to handle.

Hope your all well
Thanks for reading

The royal engineer's wife xxx